Home sweet home

Remember the days of spring break, Christmas break, summer break, random Monday holiday breaks? Those were the days! But I felt as excited for my adult in the working world week of vacation break as I did about spring break as a kid, and boy was I ready for it!

I flew to Ohio on Saturday after a 4 hour delay at the airport, but I didn't mind because I was on vacation. I read People magazine and pretty much did absolutely nothing, fantastic. I spent the week running around with my mom- spa time, shopping, cooking; staying up late watching movies- Ann of the Thousand Days (the old and even better version of The Other Bolyn Girl), Around the Universe; got my teeth cleaned and cavity fixed by the best dentist in the world, my Dad; also spent some good time with my brother Dave and Meme; went to Wasabi steak house with everyone and had some good sushi; saw my friend of friends Jen; played with Max, our strangely cute dog who was very happy to have me around; and went to a beautiful Easter Service at our church, Hudson Community Chapel. Ohio may be a little dopey compared to Chicago, but having family around and a church like HCC to go to would be enough to bring me back.

Thanks family for a wonderfully fun and rejuvinating week at home! I love you and miss you always!

Will someone please tell me...

what is the benefit of being a "goody-goody"? When it comes to amoral issues, does it matter? Do people notice, and if they do, do they care? I think life as a goody-goody is harder. It's filled with more self-imposed guilt and more getting screwed by the not goody-goodies who are ready and willing to let the goody-goodies pick up the slack. I've always played by the rules and live in fear of getting caught the moment I break one. And you know it's the good ones who will get caught. I was told it's just part of who I am. Well I want it removed. My friend teases that I should join her club, "Ask forgiveness, not permission." I was also told that I will get bolder as I get older. But I'll say it here first, stop screwing me!

A first for everything

Last night on call, I was called for the first time to pronounce a patient dead. I've seen patients die before, and I've been involved in torturously heroic codes where 99% of the time the patient doesn't make it. For some reason in that circumstance death isn't quite as moving. I suppose it's because in my mind the patient as in the person might have been gone long before any of one us says it's so. This patient last night was a DNR patient, which means none of the chest thumping, etc. There were no calls overhead that sent 20 people running to the patient's room. Instead the patient was surrounded by family, and ironically an outside hospice nurse who was evaluating the patient for hospice. Someone noticed, "I think he stopped breathing." And with that he gently and quietly and peacefully entered eternity. I found him curled up and padded up and covered up in bed, as if he had been sleeping. It is so unfortunate that not more people spend their last moments in this way. Although I only spent a short time with the family, it was obvious how strong, bonded, united, and loving they are. Something in my experience that is not seen enough so that you really notice when you do see it. As strange as it sounds, I would have rather stayed with them than do anything else that night.

Is this a downer post? I'm sorry. I wish that I could write great things about how proud I am and how much i love my children, about puppies and cake decorating and house decorating and vacations, but that's not my life yet. Firsts for another day.

Canine maternal instinct

I just sobbed because a dog on the Animal Planet had to be put to sleep. I would be the best dog owner.

Lost

I've really been wanting to write something lately in hopes that forcing myself to put thoughts into words would bring clarity and help settle my mind and emotions which have been all over the place these days. I didn't want to complain about how burned out I've been at the hospital or how this winter has over stayed its welcome, so I just didn't write because that's all that would have come out. So I start here instead: I want something to change in my life, and I can't seem to put it into words yet. But it has something to do with wanting my life to have real meaning, to be and do things that are purposeful and that have lasting value, not once in a great while but everyday. If I had only one more year to live, what would I do? Should I not be doing that now? Do you ever know what you need to do and yet can't muster up the determination and commitment and energy to follow through even though you want to? This is probably not making much sense- that's fine because I'm still a little lost myself.